***Warning: I'm depressed. Read on at your own peril.***
My visiting teacher is really cool. I enjoy the conversations we have when we actually get together. She's good about getting in touch with me early in the month, too. She emailed me recently ... and when I didn't reply (I forgot), she called me and left a nice message.
When I began to reply to her message, I realized I have a problem. I’m pulling an all-nighter to get some grading done that I’ve been procrastinating on, so I’m pretty much going to be out of commission for the weekend. The end of the semester kills the next week. Next weekend gets taken over by preparations for the new semester and more last-minute grading. Sarah is pretty darn self-sufficient, but she's still healing from her surgery and needs help sometimes.
But my problem isn't my schedule, it's that I feel like I'm always saying no to invitations. Part of it is work ... being a teacher can really eat up your life. I'm either working my tooshie off, procrastinating working my tooshie off, or sitting on my tooshie trying to recover. The other part is fear.
I've always had a hard time, but it's so much worse in a singles ward. In a singles ward, the bottom-line mission is to get everyone married off. I would like nothing better than to find my eternal companion, get sealed in the temple, and try for kids. Part of that idea scares the pants off of me, though. What if I had been sealed to Chris? What if I pick another bad apple (or I screw up again)? Not to mention the fact that I'm an overweight 26 year-old divorceé‚ with bipolar disorder and bad ovaries. That's a lot to scare 'em away.
I know that my fears are exaggerated and irrational in some ways, but that doesn't make them go away.
Early morning / late night thoughts. Just ignore them, right?
3 comments:
I know I"m old and I'm not in a dang singles ward (hated those when I was though) -- but my feeling is that you have to just forget the marriage thing and try to do the best you can with what you have and are. You are so smart and cute and talented and you've learned some good lessons in life. That tells me your choices in the future will be smart ones. Hang in there. Lots of us love you and know you are awesome.
Love you Rachel.. Jan is right. You are a smart, talented lady who is so capable of everything she sets her mind to. I have so much hope for your future. You're in my prayers. You are one cool chicky and we can't wait to see you.
Your poor tooshie. I agree with Aunt Jan and Rebecca, you rock. I really appreciate all the support you've given me. I couldn't have made it this far through that dang surgery without you. I'm grateful that we have this time to become best friends and much closer as sisters. I love you.
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