Scheduling ...

***Warning: I'm depressed. Read on at your own peril.***

My visiting teacher is really cool. I enjoy the conversations we have when we actually get together. She's good about getting in touch with me early in the month, too. She emailed me recently ... and when I didn't reply (I forgot), she called me and left a nice message.

When I began to reply to her message, I realized I have a problem. I’m pulling an all-nighter to get some grading done that I’ve been procrastinating on, so I’m pretty much going to be out of commission for the weekend. The end of the semester kills the next week. Next weekend gets taken over by preparations for the new semester and more last-minute grading. Sarah is pretty darn self-sufficient, but she's still healing from her surgery and needs help sometimes.

But my problem isn't my schedule, it's that I feel like I'm always saying no to invitations. Part of it is work ... being a teacher can really eat up your life. I'm either working my tooshie off, procrastinating working my tooshie off, or sitting on my tooshie trying to recover. The other part is fear.

I've always had a hard time, but it's so much worse in a singles ward. In a singles ward, the bottom-line mission is to get everyone married off. I would like nothing better than to find my eternal companion, get sealed in the temple, and try for kids. Part of that idea scares the pants off of me, though. What if I had been sealed to Chris? What if I pick another bad apple (or I screw up again)? Not to mention the fact that I'm an overweight 26 year-old divorceé‚ with bipolar disorder and bad ovaries. That's a lot to scare 'em away.

I know that my fears are exaggerated and irrational in some ways, but that doesn't make them go away.

Early morning / late night thoughts. Just ignore them, right?

New Year's Resolutions

I don't have any. For me, they just make me feel depressed when I don't keep them. At this point in my life, I live from paycheck to paycheck, a month at a time. Right now, I'm just trying to cope with what's been put in front of me. Sure, I have goals and wishes ...

So to those of you who have made resolutions ... Congratulations! Best of luck to you. Maybe I'll join the ranks again in a few years.

Procrastination: A Way of Life

For many of us, procrastination is just part of who we are. I am well known for late nights, over-nighters, and faking sick when necessary. I've been much more responsible lately, I think. However, I put grading off until the last minute possible.

I hate grading. It's a major reason why I hated teaching math. There are stacks of papers for you to grade. I had to have Chris help me grade. And boy, did he complain about it. I'd get a lecture for not grading them earlier, while still remembering the complaining about how much time I spent working. Well, somebody had to work.

Ahem. I digress. (Apologies.) Change of subject!

I'm working on crocheting a cute little project for my nephew who will be born on April 6th. It's the most complicated project I've done so far in terms of color changes. I've done lots of complicated stitches, but not much color work. I'm working on the easy, big, boring parts first. I love to crochet, but it's so much more fun when it's for someone you love.

School starts again tomorrow. I am currently procrastinating (surprise, surprise) planning for the last bit of the semester before exams. I thought I might pull another all-nighter, but I'm flat out of ideas. In my experience, that means - just go to bed. I'll try to drag my sorry butt outta bed early in the morning to pull some things together.

So. G'nite.

Can't is a four-letter word

Quote from a car ad billboard ... go figure.

Anywho. I guess I'm not a very good blogger. I've never been very good at keeping in touch with people. I never wrote letters, I don't really call people, and I don't email. Hrm. I guess I shouldn't be upset that not many people do those things for me.

Problem is ... I don't really feel like blogging unless I'm depressed. The other problem is that when I'm depressed I make a depressing or whiny post. Woe is me! My life sucks! I think I'll go eat worms!

My fam keeps on telling me to blog because they're the only ones who read it because it's a private blog because I don't really want a creepy stalker because they'd have to be reeeeeeeeeeeeeeealy creepy to stalk me. **shiver**

I feel so inadequate about my blog. It's not interesting or pretty or anything .... SEE?! There I go with the whining.

Dangit.

Fun and Games

Sarah and I picked have two of our nephews, Marshall and Maverick, here for a sleepover tonight. We took them out to dinner at America's Greatest Pizza Co. (or something like that). They had a great time playing games.

One of the games was a safari/joint effort/kill the spiders kinda thing. Marshall and Maverick played, then Sarah and I had a go. We did marginally well. Funny thing was that at the end they give you a compatibility score. Heh! Apparently Sarah and I are 90% compatible and "You couldn't find anyone better!" (animation of male and female couple embracing). Who knew? So if we both end up being old maids, we should be ok being roommates.

We probably kept the youngsters up too late, but they really wanted to play with our cats. It was darn cute. Wish I had my camera out. My kitten was having fun diving head first into a paper lunch sack. I think I'll take some video of her playing fetch and post it. It's quite funny. I'm sure no one cares, but there you go.

I have to say that Baxter has been a great blessing for me. He's a 10-year-old brown tabby who was declawed before I adopted him 5 years ago. Baxter's been a great comfort during depressive phases and a calming influence during my few manic phases. From the time I told Chris I wanted a divorce to moving in with Sarah, it almost felt like he was the only one who was there for me. After dawdling at work, I'd come home to a cold, empty apartment and he'd be there for me. Waiting at the door and jumping into my lap, purring, as soon as I sat down.

... Sorry ... got depressing there. Reminds me how grateful I am that Sarah invited me to move in. I don't think I could have stood being so lonely for much longer. I have been thoroughly blessed despite my many, many, many failings.

Alive and Kickin'

Still around ... just thought I'd let you know.

Land of the Mormons

Hey hey, everybody!

So here I am in the Motherland (aka Utah). It seems like a normal enough place ... until you find out that their Barq's Rootbeer is caffeine free!!! Man, they're weird.

Anywho, I'm just here visiting my brother Adam, his wife Tiburon, and their cute kiddos. I've already accomplished three of my four purposes of visiting: going to the LDS distribution center, spending time with the fam, and buying salt water taffy.

If you have never tried salt water taffy, your life is incomplete. Regular taffy just does not compare. Go. Buy some. Don't ask me where --- unless you live in SLC, in which case go to Taffy Town.

Oh .. and I spotted TWO Daewoos in one parking lot here! Strange! I have to remember to keep my eyes peeled.

Since Tib is a big blogger, I'm feeling guilty that I'm not keeping up on this thing. She's designed several banners for others' blogs. I think I might try doing something fancy for mine. Worst case scenario, it sucks and I try again.

PS: Here's the algorithm march (mentioned previously) ... with ninjas!